(A novel about Slugs falling in love and killing each other but not necessarily in that order) By Mike Batt

Chapter Nine: Stairway To Heaven

Ergo heard the commotion, too. Far behind them - or not so far, really, - they heard the Sergeant shouting, and Elsie being locked up, - but of course they didn't know it was Elsie. "They must have thought that the real washerwoman was one of us!" said Ergo to Quirkhardt. They were now walking as fast as they could without drawing too much attention to themselves. Ergo, of course, wasn't walking at all. They had devised a way of making him look like a person standing up, by lashing him to one of the "room service" trays with a rope made of straw, knitted together, and standing him on the other tray, which Quirkhardt was dragging along the floor whilst holding Ergo upright with one arm. Not the greatest and most satisfactory impression of a washerwoman, but perhaps it added realism if one washerwoman appeared to be helping the other. What the arrangement was not designed for was being chased.

"Quick! Follow me!" said Quirkhardt, diving into a stairwell. Ergo didn't exactly have much choice, since his new partner was holding him up and dragging him along on the room service tray. He trusted Quirkhardt only because he knew they were both in the same fix, but he knew his natural enemy was only interested in saving his own skin. Until such time as they were both free, he figured that Quirkhardt needed him as much as he needed Quirkhardt. He was a General, after all.

They rushed up the stairs, - Ergo using his powerful stomach muscles to push against the stone walls which rose alongside the steps, and Quirkhardt half lifting and half pushing the slug. As they reached the second floor up, they heard the sound of a sizable pile of guards coming after them, shouting and grunting and narrowing the gap.

"Faster!", implored Ergo, now feeling the sweat running down from the top of his head and across his face. Quirkhardt stretched his stride to two steps at a time.
"This doesn't lead out of this place, does it?" asked Ergo, in between puffing and blowing. He dreaded to hear the answer.

"No, it just seemed like a way of escaping from them" said Quirkhardt.

"So where does it lead?" asked Ergo.

"Just keep climbing" puffed Quirkhardt.

They arrived on the twenty-fourth floor, - which was actually still underground. The hordes were about three floors away from them by now. Without even thinking, Quirkhardt threw all his weight against a small door at the other side of the landing. The door burst open.

Ursula stopped playing the piano and looked up, startled. The elf looked amazed. His mouth dropped open.

"Oh, er... Lieutenant Quir...or is it...Sergeant, er..." began Ursula. Quirkhardt was a little surprised that Moundrot's wife would have recognised him, but he realised that his disguise must have slipped a little in the chase. He turned and barred the door with the big wooden bar which hung down at the side, and then swung round to face Ursula.

"Mrs Moundrot, I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to tie you up" he blurted. With that, he ripped the belt from the elf's trousers and used it to bind Ursula's hands.
"I didn't think my piano playing was that bad!" said Ursula, offended. The elf's trousers fell to the floor around his ankles. His mouth remained open.

The hordes had now reached the door, skidded to a halt, and were now knocking politely on the door which they knew to be the door to their general's quarters.

The elf's mouth was still open. He looked at Ergo. The banging at the door got louder.
"Elf! You're OK! But what happened to Little Else?" asked Ergo, trying to get his breath back.

"She flew away, Ergo, - she's a fairy you know".

"I know she's a flipping fairy", said Ergo, almost offended that the elf would not realise how well he knew Else. "Anyway, that's marvellous news. So she's alright?"
"As far as I know...", began the elf. There were loud shouts at the door.

"Captain - er, Lance Corporal Quirkhardt - er...we know you're in there! Is anybody in there with you? We can't break the door down because the General's not here, but we've sent for him, so you might as well give yourself up! Where is Mrs Quirkhardt?"
"I'm here..", shouted Ursula, before Quirkhardt could put his hand across her mouth. He gagged her. Ergo and Quirkhardt looked around the room. It was a big, dark pothole and there was no way they could see of getting out of there. And Moundrot was coming up the stairs.

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Elsie was terrified. Here she was in jail in the heart of pigfrog command, Ergo wasn't there. He must be dead, after all. She waited in the half-dark for her captors to come and do to her whatever it was that they did to prisoners who dressed up as washerwomen and broke into their jails. Then she felt hungry, and realised she had her the cheese and mayonnaise sandwich and the flask of tea. Well, she could at least have a little picnic and pretend she was sitting on a lovely grassy bank with Ergo and listening to a beautiful stream flowing by, and the birds singing. So she did. She reached into her bag and found the sandwich, the tea, the dagger and the radio whistle. Oh! The whistle! And the sleep-dagger! She would blow the whistle! But if she blew it now, help might arrive before she had a chance to eat the sandwich. So she waited until she had eaten the sandwich and had a cup of tea before putting the radio whistle to her lips and giving a long, piercing blast.

The blast on the whistle was so loud that Sodge's earphones nearly flew off.
"That's it! That's it! Little Else is in trouble!", he shouted. "Mount up, men!"
The word was passed along from commander to commander, and Arthur's trolls, being the biggest, most awe-inspiring of all the slug allies, formed up at the head of the army, and they all waited until Sodge and Arthur were ready to give the word to attack Pigfrog Command. But Sodge did not have much of a plan. Without Ergo, the slug army was only half the force it had been. Without its leader and strategist the army's morale was low and they simply did not have the power to take Pigfrog Command by force. If they had had, Ergo would have stormed Pigfrog Command in a full frontal attack in the first place. Arthur had already pointed this out to Sodge, but it was only really now that Sodge began to see the truth of it.

He would have to call off any attack, and think hard. Trouble was, thinking was not Sodge's strong point.

Elsie knew she had been a bit optimistic to think that help might arrive before she had finished her sandwich. It even ran through her mind that, had she made herself a bigger sandwich, it would have taken longer to eat it, and the chances of help arriving before she had finished it would have been greater. But, alas, even if she had done that, the help would not have arrived during the picnic. And it would have been more fattening. She looked again at the sleep-dagger. It wasn't really a dagger at all - that was just a name; it was more like a stick that somehow set up vibrations and sent the victim into a lovely sleep, even if you just poked them in the leg with it. Nigel Farnsbarnes really was a clever chap, she thought. Dotty had done well to find him for a husband. He was apt to be a little grumpy and kept bursting into tears, but apart from that he really was rather nice, and a genius, too. She thought for a moment, and decided that it might be a good idea to try the dagger out. If she waited for the pigfrogs to appear, they might search her and take it away from her.

She knew the way out; she only needed to escape from the cell. If she could get out, she could go the rest of the way as a washerwoman; but then - if the pigfrogs that threw her into the cell were chasing other washerwomen, it might not be a safe disguise any more. If she took off the disguise - hey! If she took off the disguise, she'd be a fairy. Admittedly, a fairy with just the basic leotard, ballet shoes and wings, but nevertheless a fairy! Why did she keep forgetting? And fairies can fly! She threw off the washerwoman outfit, and immediately felt better. Why didn't she do this more often? Even her normal tweed suit was a sort of disguise. Something to hide her from the rest of the World. As herself, her real self, she knew she could do almost anything. Elsie felt, at that moment, that her life would somehow be different from now on. She would just be herself, and everything would be alright. She looked out of the big, ceiling-to-floor, barred window, and saw the big shaft that went down into the darker depths where, unbeknown to her, the helicopter was parked, - and upwards to the sky, and freedom. If she could only squeeze through the bars, she could fly away; but that wouldn't help Ergo.

Just then, she heard a strange buzzing noise. Well, actually it was a perfectly normal buzzing noise, as buzzing noises go, but it was strange that she should hear one at that moment. She wondered where it could be coming from, so suddenly, until she realised it was from a cell three windows away from her, which, by virtue of the circular shape of the cell block, she could see right into.

"Anybody there?" she asked.

"Funny you should ask that", came the reply, "but yes, actually".

"Who, may I enquire?" Elsie said, politely.

Three faces appeared at the bars of their French window.

They looked like flies, but with friendlier faces than the sort of flies you see on sausage rolls and things. They didn't say anything, but the buzzing sound continued.
"Three flies!" said Elsie.

"Yes, but nice ones" said one of them, slightly paranoidly, and if there's no such word I don't care.

"What are your names?" asked Else.

"The Time Flies!" they chorused.

"I know it does, but what are your names?" asked Little Else.

"No, our name is The Time Flies", said one of them. "We are flies who can travel through time, that's why we are called The Time Flies. That is why we wear these tight shiny costumes, because we are able to do very special things by entering the Time Warp Drive and travelling around to fight evil".

Elsie couldn't quite believe it, but it was indeed less silly-sounding than magnetism and electricity and whatever else. Their costumes certainly were tight and shiny, and they looked rather like those funny little characters you see on cereal packets, but better.

"Pleased to meet you", she said, feeling rather foolish, "but why are you in this pigfrog jail?"

"We don't know, we just arrived in our time travels", said the Main Fly. "But what is this about a pigfrog jail? Trust us to land in a jail when we just set out for a Sunday afternoon random spin through the past. We like random - it's very exciting and you never now where you'll end up. And by the way, what year is it?"

"Well, I'm not sure, exactly", said Elsie, "but it is apparently somewhere between the Olden Days and last week"

"Wow!" chorused the Time Flies. "Far Out! And these pigfrog things, - what's the story?"

Elsie told them the whole story. They couldn't believe it, - but then it was less silly than travelling through time.

"Wow!" they said. Elsie noticed that they said it rather a lot.

"The thing is", said Elsie, "I don't know what happened about half an hour ago, just before I was captured and thrown in this cell. I have a feeling that two washerwomen were in here, and I think I saw them escaping, but I don't know anything about how or why and I think it might be important. And most importantly, I don't know where my friend, Ergo is."

"I see", said the Main Fly. "Well, we can easily tell you what happened in this cell an hour ago. We just jump back into our Time Thimble.."

"Your what?" asked Elsie, incredulously.

"Our Time Thimble", said the Main Fly. "It is the thing that actually does the transporting of us, through time".

"Oh" said Elsie.

"You know, a thimble, but converted. By us. To fly through time."

"Of course" said Elsie.

The flies jumped into the thimble, said goodbye to Elsie and were gone. Just like that. Amazing, really.

When the flies snapped through into an hour earlier, they still had a view of Elsie's cell, but in it were a slug, half-dressed as a washerwoman, being tied to a tray by another thing -(Quirkhardt, as it happened) - also in a dress. The Time Flies were well-travelled and had seen a lot of strange things in their time, but this did give them cause for concern. They watched, transfixed as Ergo and Quirkhardt transformed themselves into two very passable washerwomen, and saw Ergo removing Quirkhardt's leg irons by greasing the pigfrog's ankles with pigswill and the goo from the walls, and pulling like mad. The slug seemed to be the one with the brains. The flies saw them crouch by the door, saw the guard enter, - saw Quirkhardt bash the Sergeant guard with a big stone, - and saw them make their escape. As the two intrepid escapers made their way out of the cell and down the corridor, the Time Flies flew behind them and watched the entire scenario as they passed Elsie in the corridor and then fled up the stairs to the room where they now were, followed and trapped by their pigfrog pursuers.

As General Moundrot began to thump his way up the stairs towards his quarters, the Time Flies returned to Elsie and jumped an hour ahead, so that when they appeared before her, in their thimble, - this time in her cell - it seemed that almost no time had passed at all.

The flies told Elsie the whole story.

"So Ergo is alive! Hip, Hip, Hooray!", shouted Elsie. "And everything's going to be alright!"

"Well, yes, but the old General is just about now arriving at the top of the stairs, and he isn't in a very good mood", said the Main Fly.

Elsie didn't care. She just knew everything would be alright.

"Can't you fly an hour ahead in time and see what happens next?" pleaded Elsie.
"Cheating!" they all shouted merrily in unison. They had obviously been asked that before. "That spoils everything, and in any case, would you really want to see it if it is not good news? Hope is the thing that carries you through these times. If you saw bad news it would make it difficult for you to do all the things you need to do to keep fighting for what you want. You are the one who makes things happen".
"Ooh, dear", thought Elsie, "that's a bit deep!" but she knew they were right.

"Ok, then - but listen, guys", said Elsie, slipping into their slang language, "if Ergo and the elf and this fairly friendly pigfrog thing are all trapped in the chief pigfrog's cave, - can't we get out and go and rescue them?" She thought for a moment.

The Time Flies had described to her that Moundrot's room had a shaft of light which penetrated from the top of the mountain, down at an oblique angle, into the roof of his bathroom. At certain times of the day it made rather a nice prism and rainbow effect on the bathroom floor. He and Ursula never had a bath, so never used the bathroom, but they had had one installed as a status symbol (it was the only bathroom in Pigfrog Command), - and Ursula had felt that it would enhance the property's resale value.

"Well, we can try, but what about you?" said the Main Fly.

"Can you tell me your names so that I don't have to keep thinking of you as the Main Fly, Second Main Fly and so on?" said Little Else, not wanting to say "Least Important Fly", in case of giving offence to the poor least important one.

"Oh, sorry", said the Main Fly. Yes, - my name is Malcolm, this is Malcolm, and this is Malcolm."

"Oh, no!", said Elsie, "Why are you all called Malcolm?"

"Just a coincidence", said the main Malcolm. "It does get rather confusing, I admit. We call each other Malcolm One. Malcolm Two and Malcolm Three."

"Ah, that's better,", said Elsie. "Anyway, look. I think I may be able to squeeze through the bars of my French windows now that I don't have my washerwoman outfit on."

"Go on, then" urged Malcolm Two.

She walked over to the window and applied herself determinedly to one of the gaps, breathing in and squeezing hard. She had discarded her bag, but held the sleep-dagger in her hand, so as not to leave it behind. To her great delight, and with a slurpy sort of plop, she popped out onto the ledge beyond, a free fairy once again, resplendent in leotard, ballet shoes and wings.

"Hip, Hip, Hooray!" she said. The Time Flies agreed.

"Bravo!" buzzed Malcolm Three, limply.

"Right, well, let's get on with it!" Little Else cried, and launched herself off the ledge of the window, the flying sensation giving her a renewed sense of achievement.
"Lets find that skylight shaft into the chief pigfrog's room!"

The Time Flies leaped into the air, too. Malcolm Three had the Time-Thimble, (which was bigger than him) - strapped to his back - and the four adventurers flew upwards to the distant daylight.

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Now turn the page to Slugs Chapter 10