(A novel about Slugs falling in love and killing each other but not necessarily in that order) By Mike Batt

Chapter Eight: A Very Exciting Bit

Every day that Ursula's passion for the piano lasted was another day when Second Lieutenant Quirkhardt wouldn't have to carry it up and down the stairs of the pigfrog headquarters. If the General's wife was playing it, it was hardly likely to be available for being carted up and down the stairs. Or so Quirkhardt reasoned. He sat in his cell, looking out across the dark courtyard, his feet in irons and his career in ruins, - in fact, his career was in fast rewind. Tomorrow, he would be a Regimental Sergeant Major, and the next day, a Company Sergeant Major. The ignominy of it!

By now, Moundrot had softened towards him. He was not going to work Quirkhardt to death - just until he was critically ill. This was fabulous news! To Moundrot, who considered rank to be of paramount importance, Quirkhardt's gradual demotion was the really juicy bit of the punishment. The physical stuff was just a bit of a laugh. However, Quirkhardt was still terrified by the prospect, and was wishing he could somehow escape his shackles and run for it, - but he was beginning to feel that perhaps he just wasn't clever enough.

Each morning he heard the next cell being unlocked, and a guard ordering out the elf in the cell next to his, and pigfrogmarching it away to give Ursula her piano lesson. On the third morning, just as he went from Second Lieutenant to Regimental Sergeant Major, Quirkhardt was shocked when the door was pushed open and a dishevelled-looking slug was thrown into the cell, landing beside him with a sluggy, splatty thud.

"Excuse me", said Ergo (for it was he) "but they've demolished my cell , - it was condemned, you see - and apparently there wasn't anywhere else to put me". He was a bit daunted by Quirkhardt, who was five times Ergo's size, but at least he was in leg irons, which ruled out any form of physical attack.

Quirkhardt was horrified and insulted by sharing a cell with a nasty little slug, but didn't have the energy to complain. Apart from that, he was too busy trying to think of a way of escaping.

Ergo was past caring. He was a bit surprised to see a pigfrog Warrant Officer in leg irons, in a cell, but that was the extent of his reaction.

"What are you in for?" asked Ergo, sociably.

"I'm not telling you, you horrible little slippery git", said Sergeant Major Quirkhardt.
"Suit yourself", said Ergo, moving over to the window grill to have a look out into the dark shaft beyond, as if it were a beautiful view of countryside. "I'm a prisoner of war, myself." Quirkhardt shot Ergo a dark look. This was one of the slug staff officers whom he'd been fighting only three days earlier! Outrageous! Here in the same cell! And now, by dint of his own demotion, the horrible thing was the senior officer in the cell! Uuuurgh. Quirkhardt shuddered. Life had a way of dumping on you just after it had dumped on you, and just before it dumped on you again, he thought.

Ergo was thinking about escaping. Quirkhardt was thinking about escaping. But neither knew that the other was thinking about escaping. It was a bit like Ergo and Little Else being in love with one another and not telling each other, but completely different.

Ergo began to hum a tune. It was a George Formby tune called "The Blue Eyed Blonde Next Door" but only the tune, not the words.

Quirkhardt snapped, "Do you have to hum that?"

"What would you prefer me to hum?" retorted Ergo.

"Well, nothing, can't you just hum to yourself, silently?" asked Quirkhardt.

"It helps me to think about my escape plan" said Ergo.

"Escape plan!", shouted Quirkhardt, - then, thinking that the guards might overhear, he repeated it in a whisper, "escape plan?- what escape plan?". He couldn't believe he was talking to a slug like this. In fact he had never spoken to a slug before at all, - even though he had squashed quite a few in his time.

"Well, I'm just wondering what happened to the helicopter" said Ergo, who was really trying to find out whether this pigfrog knew anything.

"What, the pinky-blue one that keeps changing colour?" said Quirkhardt.

"That's the one!", said Ergo. "where is it?"

"Down at the bottom of the shaft," said Quirkhardt. "The General ordered it to be put there so that the slug... er... army would never have use of it again. He wants to try to get it going. Pigfrog mechanics are even now trying to work out how to fly it, as we speak, at this very moment and at a time not very much, if at all, which I doubt, removed from the present".

"We must try to get to it", said Ergo, who was convinced he would be able to pilot it with a bit of luck and a following wind.

"I know the way to the helicopter, down...er, lots of stairs", said Quirkhardt, " but even if we could get out of the cell, how do we get through the corridors without being detected?,- I'm very well known here, and you are, erm, a slug, if you don't mind my saying so".

"Not at all, in fact I'm proud of it", said Ergo. "I'm a General, you know."

Quirkhardt couldn't bear it. What had he done to deserve this? Well, of course, he knew what he'd done, - he'd led Third Battalion to its doom - but that was all - it wasn't as if he'd been rude to Moundrot or anything. He looked down at the slug to whom he was supposed to look up. He was damned if he was going to look up to it.
"We could dress up as washerwomen!" said Ergo.

"Why washerwomen?" asked Quirkhardt, as if Ergo had taken leave of his senses.
"They are hardly likely to stop two washerwomen, are they?" said Ergo, jubilantly.
"Won't they think it's a little strange, two washerwomen just wandering about?" asked Quirkhardt.

"Yes, they'll probably think, - "strange, two washerwomen wandering about", - but they won't necessarily stop us. I mean, would you stop two washerwomen?" asked Ergo, not really needing an answer.

"OK, but where do we get the washerwomen outfits from?" asked Quirkhardt.

"Well, we could adapt our own clothes a little; I've got my hat, pocket handkerchief and armour, and you've got your uniform. We only need skirts, - let me see... we could use the napkins from the room service trays! Ha ha!"

Quirkhardt had never thought of it as room service. He'd thought of it as pigswill, - but then he liked pigswill, so that was alright. The idea had some merit. Not very much, but some. Anyway, what did he know, he was only a Sergeant Major, and in three days' time he would be a Corporal, - and this character was a General. He shrugged.

"Flipping Heck!", said Ergo. "This might work! Let's get going".

So it was that this odd couple, these two natural born enemies, began striving together to create their disguises, plotting and planning their escape from the dark and dreary dungeons of Pigfrog Command. Ergo was still thinking about Little Else. Had it been her playing the piano, or was she dead? It would be bad enough if she just had a sprained ankle, but death was so much more permanent, somehow.

***************************

Little Else was excited and scared. In her bag, she had all her equipment, - a radio whistle to summon help, a special sleep-dagger that Nigel had invented, which knocked the enemy out when you stuck it into them, instead of killing them, (because Elsie couldn't stand the sight of blood), a flask of tea and a cheese sandwich with mayonnaise and a little pepper.

She loaded her bag into the helicopter, - which was pink, because it was Dotty's, and it was a Friday morning. Nigel and Dot got into the two front seats and the helicopter lurched skywards with a great roar. Nigel had filled the tank with the right kind of tea, and everyone felt that the mission had really begun.

"Sodge here, come in, Dot" crackled Sodge's voice over the radio.

"Dot to Sodge, Dot to Sodge, receiving with a rare and extraordinary clarity" replied Dotty, keenly.

"Right, good morning everybody", said Sodge. "I'll keep radio contact until you get up beyond the Avocado Basin and then I'll go off the air in case the enemy are listening." Pigfrogs didn't have radios, - but Sodge wanted to do things correctly. What if they had learned how to use Nigel's helicopter radio?

"We're going to hover about a hundred Woodland Metres from the West Entrance to Pigfrog Command", said Nigel. "Little Else will parachute out and walk the rest of the way. We are also dropping a bundle of linen so that it will appear that she is delivering their washing".

Arthur Monkberry, standing next to Sodge, leant over and took the handset from him.
"Good luck, chaps! And especially Elsie. If you get into trouble, use your special radio whistle".

Elsie hoped she wouldn't need it.

Half an hour later, they were over the dropping zone, and after checking her equipment, Elsie kissed her sister and brother-in-law and jumped bravely out of the helicopter, pulling the rip cord of her parachute, which then plopped open so that she hung comfortably in the air as she made her descent. It was at this moment that she realised once again that, being a fairy, she could have flown down on her own, - but, (she supposed), that would have given the game away if she were spotted. In any case, her washerwoman outfit covered her wings so that flying was impossible. She wondered whether this had, in fact, been a wise move. She landed expertly and looked up behind her to see the others waving. She waved back as the helicopter banked to the left and pulled away until it was a tiny dot on the horizon. A tiny Dot on the horizon, she thought! She chuckled to herself, and was mildly irritated that there was no-one else around to share her appreciation of her own witty thought.

There was no sound at all. Real snow had fallen overnight, on top of the artificial snow dropped by the Farnsbarneses earlier. It was deep and crisp - and it was even even. She thought it had rather a merry crispness to it. Ha ha! A Merry Crispness, she thought to herself.

But there was serious work to be done. Ergo wasn't even known to be alive, - but if he was, she was sure she would find him. She was sad at the same time, for she knew that there was a strong possibility that he had already perished at the hands of the pigfrogs. What a strange word that is, she thought, "perished".

She approached the small side door of Pigfrog Command, which to her seemed dauntingly big. She could just reach the large knocker, which she raised with both hands and let go of, so that it banged down loudly onto the big, wooden door.

A surly-looking pigfrog guard opened an observation window in the door, and grunted "Yes?"

"Washing!" chirped Elsie, breezily.

There was the sound of a bolt being released, and the door crept open with a creak.
"We don't have washing", said the pigfrog, suspiciously. "We like building up a sweat. Nobody washes clothes.They just fall off when they're worn out."

"New orders from your senior commander!" snapped Elsie, in a firm but jolly tone. The pigfrog grunted once more and looked her up and down. If Moundrot really had ordered washing to occur, it would be a foolish guard who stood in the way.

"Alright" he said.

"I have to work in the cells", said Elsie, cleverly. "Would you be so kind as to direct me there?"

The guard rang a bell, and a smaller, slimier guard appeared from down the corridor passage.

"Take this washing lady to the cells, Gritwart!"

"Yes, Corporal". He lurched back down the corridor with Elsie walking behind him. It was a wide passage, so that when she quickened her pace to catch him up, there was plenty of room for them to walk together, leaving as much room again for other pedestrian traffic coming the other way. Elsie was impressed by the size of the place, and the level of civilisation, - although there was a smell in the air that she could have happily done without. Fancy not washing their clothes! But then, they didn't wear much in the way of clothes - it was really more the sweaty body smell that she found a little difficult to ignore. The pigfrog didn't say anything to Elsie. They passed through a work area where a large number of pigfrogs were doing something or other to something or other, and Elsie noticed the vastness of the domed ceiling of the room they were passing through. After about five or ten woodland minutes, Gritwart stopped and looked down at Little Else.

"Down there, keep walking, first right, keep walking, keep walking, keep walking, second left, stop."

"Thank you so much" said Elsie, not really knowing what else you should say to a pigfrog. Gritwart grunted and slouched off.

Her heart began to pound. Here she was in the middle of the enemy's headquarters, only minutes away from discovering the truth about Ergo and the elf. She took a deep breath and started off again, down the narrower passage which led to the cells. It was then that she noticed something very remarkable. She couldn't quite believe it. As the passageway straightened out, she saw two figures moving towards her. At first, she couldn't make out what they were. They didn't seem to be pigfrogs. One of them was much bigger than the other, and the other - was, well... much smaller than the one that was much bigger than it. As they approached, looking furtively from side to side, she realised...that they were,...erm, washerwomen! How? How could the guard have told her there was no washing done in Pigfrog Command, when here were two washerwomen, plain as day. Knowing that real washerwomen would be more likely to see through her disguise, she tried to look as washerwoman-like as possible and kept on walking towards them. As they approached, one of them, - the smaller one, - muttered a hurried "Good morning, Dear", as they shuffled past. Elsie kept on going. She didn't want to do anything which would attract attention or delay her from reaching dear Ergo, if indeed he was in a cell. She hurried onwards down the passage, and the two other washerwomen were soon gone, behind her. At least, if washerwomen were a familiar sight in this place, her escape with Ergo dressed as another washerwoman would be easier. She pulled her bundle of clothes, which also contained the washerwoman clothes for Ergo, higher onto her shoulder and
quickened her pace towards the cells.

She had by now followed Gritwart's directions all but for the last left turn. Reaching this last corner, she started to follow the passage round to the left. As she turned, she began to hear a groaning sound, - together with the growing noise of a commotion in the passage; pigfrog guards shouting orders and running about. She immediately knew she must hide! Whatever the fuss was, it didn't sound as if being a washerwoman would necessarily be a guarantee of safety.

Just then, three huge pigfrogs came hurtling round the corner and knocked her over.
"That's one of them!", shouted the first guard. "That's the small one! The one that didn't bash me with the stone!"

"So the other one must be the one that did, then!" shouted the second guard.
"Brilliant!", said the first one. "Of course it is, you twerp! Run after it, -that one must be Quirkhardt, escaping!"

"What about this little one, Sarge?"

"Put it back in the cell and I'll deal with it later!" ordered the Sergeant.

They lifted Elsie, who was too winded and distressed to resist, and dumped her unceremoniously in the very cell from which Ergo and Quirkhardt had just escaped. Oh, no! This wasn't supposed to happen at all!, thought Little Else. The door closed with a loud crangy, banging sound.

Locking her in, the pigfrogs then ran off, presumably after the washerwomen whom she had just passed in the corridor. How strange, thought Little Else.


************************************

Next bit is Slugs Chapter 9