(A novel about Slugs falling in love and killing each other but not necessarily in that order) By Mike Batt

Chapter Six: Don't Squash The Piano Player

Quirkhardt waited at the entrance to Pigfrog Command for the last stragglers of Third Battalion to retreat to its safety. Being Officer Material wasn't helping him much now. He was terrified. Not of the enemy, but of old Moundrot when he found out about the six more warriors who had gone to Heaven. And one of them had been Sergeant-Major Hardsnot, the battalion mud-wrestling champion. Quirkhardt knew that Moundrot's anger might not be satisfied with a verbal outburst - though that would be bad enough. The old boy was apt to lash out when really angry, and this could easily be one of those moments, Quirkhardt thought. He could feel the pain already. It occurred to him that he could run away, - but that would be desertion, - punishable by death. He could feign illness. No, that would cut no ice with Moundrot. Or.. yes, or,..or!... he could convert this little setback into a victory before the General ever found out about it. Yes! Major Quirkhardt had a nice ring to it! That's what he would do. Yes, yes! Officer material to the rescue! The General didn't yet know, - he had not yet received any report of the action. So Quirkhardt would send Third Battalion right back in against those upstart slugs and assorted Woodland beings...right now, before the General could hear about that little incident earlier. But this time they would crush the enemy,- literally!

And so this was how it came to be that Third Battalion appeared once again outside the opening of the main entrance of Pigfrog Command. Quirkhardt was sure they could overpower such a small carol singing group, even with it having this secret weapon thing. Goodness gracious, they had never had trouble with carol singers before! He would place the most dispensable, idiotic soldiers, whom he knew Moundrot wouldn't mind losing, at the front, and then, when the secret weapon went off, the other warriors would keep on running forward and launch themselves at the carol singers before they had a chance to reload the weapon things. If he lost another six or eight bodies, but illuminated the enemy, so what! It would still be a victory! What Quirkhardt did not know was that Carol Singing Squad Number One was not the only slug contingent ranged against him.

By the time the pigfrog battalion had spotted Froon's unit, it was out on the open ground, but protected by the unseen presence of the main force, hidden in the rocks not far off. Running forward, the pigfrog army set up a terrifying vibration, - but their pace was slightly nervous, - remembering the results of their last attack.
Ergo got on the blower to Froon. "Here they come, Froon,- but don't worry,- we're here. Just you keep singing, Mate"

Froon's unit started up again, "While Shepherds Watched..." and the pigfrog army bore down on them with terrifying speed. This time, the carol singers stood their ground. Quirkhardt, leading from the back of Third Battalion, had fire in his eyes and faith in his heart. "Let's give those yukky little so-and-so's a Merry Christmas!", he shouted as the huge mass of pigfrog flesh moved as one towards its tiny target. The leading pigfrogs leaped, admittedly a little more gingerly in the light of the recent incident, and began their descent. But leaping more gingerly did not prove to offer any safety advantages over leaping less gingerly. Once again, the depth charges found their dribbling targets and the sky was filled with pigfrog remnants and big streaks of spit. But this time, the pigfrogs at the rear came stampeding on. But just as the second wave of pigfrogs was reaching its natural jump-off point, the slug army appeared from the rocks to their left. These were the Elite Force of crack slug troops, on their wheels, handlebars bristling with shiny weapons and banners, balloons, holly and streamers. The shock of this complication caused many of the enemy to skid to a halt, while others fell over them. This gave rise to such disarray that they were unaware of Froon's unit's escape, away to the right and up towards Ergo's vantage point.

Just at that moment, Ergo, supported by Arthur's trolls, advanced down from the high ground behind Third Battalion, trapping them in a pincer movement. A volley of troll crossbow darts went singing through the air, and seventeen more members of Third Battalion were dispatched to the Afterlife. But this is supposed to be a happy story, so I won't go into the details of what happened next to the pigfrogs. Even if they deserved what they got, it's all a bit gruesome for our story, particularly if small children are reading this or being read to. Let's just say that before too long, there were pigfrog pieces all over the place, pigfrogs with their intestines hanging out, lying in the dust; headless pigfrogs and pigfrogless heads, charred pigfrog carcasses with horribly contorted faces, eyes hanging out and blood everywhere. That sort of thing.

In fact, I'm beginning to feel really sorry for the pigfrogs now.

Ergo watched the remnants of Third Battalion retreating back to Pigfrog Command, led, this time from the front, by the hapless Captain Quirkhardt. Ergo felt sorry for them, too. This was only supposed to have been an Adventure. He had forgotten that ridding the World of Evil Pigfrogs would inevitably involve really killing them. You could hardly capture them and make them promise to be good, could you? They weren't Naughty Goblins, they were nasty, horrible, bloodthirsty, evil, slug-squashing, fairy-crushing, Christmas-hating creatures, and then some.

The day was not without slug casualties, though they were few. As the smoke cleared, they discovered the remains of old Erk, the warrior slug who had seen so much action. He had been squashed by retreating pigfrogs, not even killed in a fair fight. Also, Slarjk, the flower cutter was suffering from a really nasty headache and dizzy spells.

"C'est la gare" said Ergo, in his Napoleon voice.

"That means 'This is the station'," said Froon, undiplomatically. "Don't you mean, "C'est la guerre"- meaning "That's war?".

"Just because you're the library monitor doesn't mean you have to show off" said Ergo.

Just then a piano dropped out of the sky and hit him on the head.

"Flipping Heck!" shouted Ergo, who would have fallen over but for the fact that he was already lying down. His helmet had protected him from a right good squashing.
"Ergo, Ergo, are you alright?" shouted Little Else as she guided the chopper downwards to a clear space to the side of the troops.

"Elsie, what are you doing here? - you should be back at home, varnishing the stairs", said Ergo, rubbing his head and rather wishing the piano had not fallen out of the sky onto it.

"I'm sorry about that, Ergo, it was supposed to be your Christmas surprise" said Elsie - but are you OK?"

"Well, it certainly was a surprise,- but don't worry, it's only a flesh wound", said Ergo, "good job it landed on my head".

"I thought slugs only had flesh" said Elsie.

"Well, if brains and kidneys and things like that are counted as flesh, I suppose you're right" said Ergo.

"Gosh, I didn't know slugs had kidneys" said the piano-playing elf, fascinated.

Ergo looked round at the elf. "Who's this, Elsie?" he asked.

"His name,- well, I don't actually know his name, but he's my Christmas present to you, Ergo!" announced Else.

"Well, - thanks, Else. A slave, you mean?"

"No, no, silly boy. A piano teacher!".

The elf did a little twirl and took off his cap. A tear appeared in Ergo's eye. The idea of piano lessons was wonderful enough, but the fact that they were a gift from the most beautiful, tweed-suited, cute-voiced fairy he knew - about whom he dreamed at night - was almost too much. In fact, it was too much. Ergo fainted.

"Oh, great!", said Froon."Now our supreme commander is unconscious and we're still in the heart of pigfrog territory. That's great, that is!".

"And I bet they're cross" chipped in Slarjk, whose headache had improved, if only by comparison to Ergo's. (Erk was still dead, however.)

"Oh, I'm sorry", said Elsie. "Let's get Ergo into the helicopter and then you others can take cover". A troll and two squirreloid things lifted Ergo into the helicopter and Elsie and the piano-elf got into the front seat. They had agreed to meet everyone at a mountain peak just a few hundred Woodland metres away, to regroup. The army marched off as soon as the helicopter was airborne. After a minute or two of flying, Else realised she'd forgotten to load the piano back onto the helicopter. All that effort, and the piano was left behind in pigfrog country! She'd just have to go back. She did a cute little turn in the air and landed again beside the piano. Ergo was, by now, waking up and wondering where he was. He thought he was back in Don't Be So Ridiculous Valley eating fish and chips in the orchard on a Friday night.

"Pass the vinegar" he moaned. When no-one did, he snapped out of his dream and took command of the situation.

"Quickly, Else! Get that piano on board! - I'd help but I don't have any arms!" said Ergo.

Elsie and the elf tried hard, but it was taking rather a long time. They struggled with the ramp. Eventually, they had the piano balanced on the sill of the helicopter door opening, half in and half out. Ergo was actually helping by pushing and pulling with his wheels, even though he had now resorted to geared stomach muscle power on account of the fact that his woodland creature had been separated from him during the battle. Stopping for a brief rest, Elsie said, "What's that music?". They all listened. Sure enough, there was a distant sound of cellos and kettle drums- getting louder. It had begun just as they had started to feel that it was time they were up and away with the piano, in case the pigfrogs arrived. It was adding to their feeling of urgency, and mounting all the time, with their growing concern to get away quickly. Then some tremolo violins came in, which added to the tension. Ergo, Else and the elf worked harder and harder to get the piano into the helicopter. By now, they were getting very worried that the pigfrogs might arrive at any moment. The music got even more exciting. It was film music!

"It's film music!", said Ergo. ""But this isn't a film, it's a book!" said Elsie, incredulously.
"Well, let's not stay to find out; I'm sure the pigfrogs will be here any minute, judging from that music"

"That's where you are wrong...we're here already", said General Moundrot.
Everything went dark.

Now go to Slugs Chapter 7