(A novel about Slugs falling in love and killing each other but not necessarily in that order) By Mike Batt

Chapter 14: The Pigfrogs Are Coming

It was the afternoon of Christmas Eve, and Dotty, having returned fruitlessly from her search to the South West, was sitting miserably watching the snow falling across the flat, scrubby ground that led off in the direction of the hill that was Don't Be So Ridiculous Valley. It had been a third of a kettle boil since dear Nigel and lovely Ergo had left, and Dotty was dying for a cup of tea. She worried desperately about her poor sister, Little Elsie, and all the other things that she was obviously worried about. She decided to go down to the barrack room where there was a proper kettle so that she could have a proper cup of tea and relax while she worried. As she arrived at the barrack room, where many of the slugs and gnome-adds slept, she came across Sir John Marvellousbloke, the name-giver, who was peering through a telescope and humming an old slug sea shanty.

"Afternoon, Sir John" she said. She had always thought it a bit unfair for him to have chosen "Sir" for his first name and "John" for his second name. It made him seem more important than all the others. Fairies never had that problem, - their mummies and daddies chose their names and that was that. But as the official name-giver, he had rather taken advantage of the situation. The irony was, however that he actually was a marvellous bloke. Perhaps if you named yourself that, you would just become one as a matter of obligation. She wondered if, had he called himself, say, "Sir John Nastyperson", that maybe he would have become one of those instead.

"Afternoon, Dotty", he answered, cheerily. He doubled as a lookout when he wasn't being a name-giver. "Just checking the horizon for, you know, anything..."

The wooden floor was cold, and Dotty went straight over to the kettle and flicked it on.

"Cup of tea?" she asked Sir John.

"What an utterly delightful idea", he responded, in his marvellous bloke voice. He peeped once more through his telescope. He peeped again. "Dotty, I think there's something out there".

"What, let me see!" Dotty's tone brightened.

Peering through the telescope, Dotty could see a small thing, flying through the blizzard. She waited as it got nearer and then...yes, she could now clearly see that it was dear Little Else, flying along, battling against the snowy weather.

"It's Little Else!" shouted Dot, jumping up, grabbing Sir John and dancing him around the room. The cup of tea was forgotten. Sir John rushed off to tell the others, most of whom were in the barrack dining hall next door, roasting chestnuts. Dotty ran back up to the balcony where she told the Large Disused Owl, and they both waved at the ever-clearer figure of Little Else as she approached. When she landed, exhausted on the balcony, Dotty hugged her and took her inside.

"You're back!" she cried.

"I know" said Elsie.

"Well, what happened?"

"Oh, goodness, Dot, it's such a long story. But the most important thing is that there is a huge pigfrog army marching on us now, and it's only about one woodland hour away from us. They plan to jump, - collectively, so to speak, on us from a great height, and thus turn us all from lumpy to flat"

"Oh, blither!" said Dotty.

"Quite. But we have to do something, and fast. Where is Ergo?"

"He went searching for you with Nigel, Arthur and Sodge, but we haven't heard from them for ages. I think they might have radio problems."

"Triple and quintuple blither!", said Elsie. "Well, we have to do something".

Just then, Sir John came rushing up into the tree house, where the two fairy sisters were.

"There's a..." he began. "...huge army of pigfrogs approaching from the direction of Everywhere Else?" Dotty completed the sentence.

"How did you ...? oh, never mind. But we'll have to do something" said Sir John.

"We were just saying that" said Dotty.

*********************

Meanwhile, Ergo and the others were flying as fast as they could, back to base, oblivious to the dangers that their loved ones faced, and unaware of the fact that, for the moment at least, Elsie was safe. They flew over the mountains of Everywhere Else and followed the Unbelievably Smelly River back to the Avocado Basin, and towards the bit near Don't Be So Ridiculous Valley, with the piano swinging underneath the helicopter; but they were at least two woodland hours away, and were doubtful whether Ergo's flask of tea would be enough fuel to get them all the way home.

*********************

The pigfrog army got nearer and nearer. Froon, who was conferring with the other military leaders of the slug army, decided to evacuate the barracks. They would retreat to the plains, or Flat Bits as they called them, to the South, and watch, and hope for something nice to happen, like the entire pigfrog army suddenly developing food poisoning and pneumonia all at the same time. The slugs were, however, still armed to the teeth, and had all their depth charges and other weapons, together with the trolls, their most valued fighters, who each carried a crossbow and a huge quiver of bolts. What they didn't have was their leader, their inspiration; their Ergo.
"What a way to spend Christmas" complained Slarjk, the flower-cutter, as they all tramped miserably off into the snowy Flat Bits and dug in to keep themselves a little warmer. Dotty and Elsie took the remaining helicopter and others helped to cover it in snow so that it wouldn't be noticed. They all waited and hoped.

Moundrot's advance scouts had told him to expect a small wooden peak at the top of a tree, and then a series of wooden buildings leading away from the tree house, and here it was, ahead of him, not very far away! Pigfrogs rarely ventured outside Everywhere Else,- which is why slugs living at Don't Be So Ridiculous Valley had never had any trouble from them before. It had only been Ergo's passion to stop the injustice of their murderous activities and avenge Dotty's and Elsie's poor brother, which had led to the present situation. Consequently, pigfrogs were not generally familiar with the whereabouts of the area of the tree house. Major Accuppa had been there, - and Quirkhardt, of course, who was now at the old boy's side, leading him along and showing him the way.

The pigfrog army pounded its way relentlessly towards the little headquarters, and as it did so, Moundrot got more and more excited at the idea of squashing everything in his sight. When they had reached a point very close to the tree house and barracks, he called forward his senior warrant officer, Sergeant Major Pockflab, and ordered him to halt the army and fan out in a formation which would surround the slug headquarters. This would be Moundrot's great moment; the moment when he would wipe out the entire enemy, together with all their friends and loved ones, all in one final, fatal strike.

Quietly and stealthily, the many hundreds of large, sweaty pigfrogs moved into position. With drooling lips, Moundrot waited until he felt the moment was right. Then, with one quick movement of the head, he nodded to the Sergeant Major, and at the same time, launched himself into the air, using his powerful, muscular hind legs. At that same moment, every pigfrog in First and Second Battalions did the same. They seemed to hang in the air for a brief moment, and then came whistling down, screaming the horrible pigfrog battle cry. Moundrot, having been the first to launch, was the first to land, and he went right through the roof of the tree house, destroying in his wake the entire loft area and extension to the Disused Owl Hole - from which thankfully the Large Disused Owl had been evacuated. Quirkhardt had landed next to his General, and destroyed all of Dotty and Nigel's sitting room and the special chair lift that Ergo used to use to get up the stairs. All the other pigfrogs found similar targets, and the entire Slug Headquarters was destroyed in one moment, - barracks, barrack dining hall, gardens and all, - except the actual tree in which the tree house had originally been built before it had been extended.

There was silence. Only the soft sound of the wind could be heard, and through the mist and lightly falling powdered snow, the pigfrogs could see each other, standing silently in the pile of matchwood which was the ruins of Slug Headquarters, waiting for whatever would happen next. It was a grunt from Moundrot that broke the silence. He presumed there would be slugs in the wreckage, but his toes and hind leg claws could not feel anything squishy. Hhm...maybe they had been completely squashed into the ground.

"Sergeant Major, get this wreckage pulled away. Clear the area" he barked.

The wreckage was pushed aside, and still Moundrot could see no slugs. The light was beginning to fade a little now, and a blue sheen began to appear on the soft snow around what was once Slug Headquarters. Moundrot began to grunt more. He was thinking very angry thoughts, and was beginning to think that he might have missed the best bit; that he might have been duped. If the slug army was not destroyed, where was it? Where were the little..." as he thought, his eye fell upon the glint of something, maybe a spear or crossbow arrowhead, or the tip of somebody's helmet in the snow, some distance off.

"Sshhh...!"

Moundrot wasn't stupid. He was everything else, but he wasn't stupid. He looked out into the dimming afternoon light, and he knew. He knew they were there, the little blighters! They were all out there, hiding in the snow. He turned slowly, caught the eye of his Sergeant Major, and then that of the next officer in line, which was the reluctant Major Accuppa. All three turned slowly and silently, and the word was whispered along the line. Soon the entire army was moving together towards the slugs, trolls, fairies, squirreloids and gnome-adds who waited fearfully and quietly.

Froon, Elsie and Dotty were with Stanley Spick, the troll radio operator, and had been trying to get Ergo on the radio, with no luck. The fact was, Ergo had left his radio at the edge of the crater of Pigfrog Command before he had lowered himself down with the others to rescue the helicopter.

"It's no good," whispered Spick, "they'll be no help. May I suggest we let the enemy have it, - with everything we've got, - before they get any closer?"

"It won't be enough. There are too many of them" said Froon. He was right. When the slugs had beaten the pigfrogs before, the pigfrogs had numbered only one battalion - now there were two at least, by Froon's estimation, and whereas before the pigfrogs had on that occasion been led by the idiotic Captain Quirkhardt, now they were led by their charismatic and feared General. The slug army, apart from not being up to full strength, lacked its own leader.

"Well, we'll do the best we can!" said Elsie.

"Froon, pass word to everyone to be ready to show themselves, on my signal".
"OK, Elsie, it's all we can do" Froon answered, bravely. He was surprised and pleased to see Elsie being so much in command. Somehow, some of Ergo's strength shone through Elsie now. It made him feel better. Just then, Little Elsie decided what to do. She stood up.

Moundrot was startled.

"You... You're supposed to be..."

"Dead?"

"We pushed you off a cliff!"

"Yes and you've just jumped all over slug headquarters without inflicting a single casualty. Not very effective, are you, General".

Moundrot wasn't used to being talked to like this. Steam seemed to be coming out from just behind his ears.

"You'll soon see how effective we are" he replied. He allowed himself a sideways sneer towards his Sergeant Major, hoping for a sneer back. A shared sneer is always so much nicer.

Elsie looked behind her and gestured to the others.

"We are going to drive you away and destroy your army, General. If you try to kill us we will just come right back again as I have done this afternoon after you so unchivalrously pushed me off a cliff".

She was bluffing, because only fairies could fly, but she thought it might frighten Moundrot a little, to think she was, somehow, invincible. At Elsie's signal, the slug army broke cover and showed itself behind her, - slugs to the centre, gnome-adds and squirreloids to the left flank and trolls to the right. A look of bewilderment came over Moundrot's face. He hadn't expected opposition of this sort, and had by now lost the element of surprise. Still, he outnumbered the enemy many times, and his warriors were bigger than all but the trolls, who were about the same size as his own soldiers.

"We will crush you" said Moundrot.

He looked over to Sergeant Major Pockflab.

"Are you ready, Sarn't Major?"

"Yes, Sir" came the reply.

Moundrot sneered once more. This time it was a solo sneer.

The trolls raised their loaded crossbows. The slugs, on their new internal combustion powered wheels, felt for their depth charges and other weapons. This was going to be some fight; but Elsie and Froon knew that against these odds, it was a battle they could never hope to win. Moundrot raised one green and scaly hand, ready to give the command. Elsie stood firm.

Just then, a grand piano fell out of the sky and knocked General Moundrot out. A great shout went up among the slug ranks, and they knew Ergo had arrived! Elsie looked up and saw the helicopter, bulging with people including Mrs Moundrot, and she breathed a sigh of something. Not of relief, yet, however. There was the small matter of two battalions of pigfrogs to deal with first.

Each pigfrog looked over at his fallen General, up at the troll bowmen, down at the slugs bristling with weapons,- then turned, and ran. All, that is, except Majors Quirkhardt and Accuppa, who threw up their arms and sank to their knees in surrender, and pleaded that they had not wanted to be a part of the whole thing in the first place.

Not knowing anything about what was going on, the arriving helicopter had flown around the back of what had once been Slug HQ, and then, unable to land, had circled over the lined-up ranks of soldiers ready to do battle. Nobody on the battlefield had noticed the approaching flying machine, being so preoccupied with other business. As the helicopter had circled over Moundrot and Elsie, it had been Ursula Moundrot who had had the inspiration to lean forward and cut the rope holding the piano, using an army penknife which Jim had once given to her for Christmas. By now she had become tired of constantly being in fear of Moundrot, and wanted to escape the clutches of her despotic partner. It had been a risky and brave thing to do, but it had had the desired effect.

Euphoria broke out once again.

"That cat is always breaking out! We'll catch her later" said Nigel as Euphoria ran off after the fleeing pigfrogs. Elsie and Dotty went over to Ergo and Nigel and greeted them.

"Oh, beautiful brave, clever hubby-in-a-million!" yelled Dotty, reaching into the glove compartment of the helicopter and pulling out two raw onions - (which were still there from before the capture of the aircraft, and still fairly clean).

She bowled one to him, and he caught it with one hand.

"What better time to share a raw onion than in a moment of victory!" she exclaimed.
"You're not wrong, there!" agreed Nigel, beaming with pride, and biting into his onion.
"It brings tears to your eyes, doesn't it?" Elsie said to Ergo as she hugged him and began to think about what fabric to have for her wedding dress.

"Merry Christmas, - and then some!" shouted Ergo, to all his brave troops.

Three days later, Moundrot woke up with four headaches, which was one more than Ergo had received when he himself had been hit by the piano. But whereas Ergo had been wearing his helmet, Moundrot had no time for helmets - he thought they were for sissies, - and had suffered much more serious injury. Moundrot started by opening one eye, just as he had done during the previous September awakening. He rolled his eyeball around to see what was happening before he judged it to be safe to open the other one. When both eyes focussed, he could see that he was in a medical tent, and somebody, a nurse- was fussing about, preparing something. The nurse had her back to him, and she was bending over. This immediately enabled him to recognise her as...could it really be? His dear wife, the lovely, - (well not really lovely, but a nice person) Ursula!

He looked down at his arms and realised that he was chained to the bed. Funny. Ursula had never done that to him before. He tried to pull at them, but couldn't move.

Ursula had felt that she must look after him. The tent was part of a camp site which the slugs had constructed to keep everybody warm and safe until they were able to rebuild their home. She was frightened that he would be violent towards her, and was glad that Monkberry had thought to chain him to the bed.

"Hello, darling. How lovely to see you" he found himself saying. Ursula thought she hadn't quite heard properly.

"What did you say?" she asked.

"I said, how nice to see you, my dear. Is it Christmas yet? I'm sorry but I don't remember what happened or where we are".

Ursula wasn't used to hearing Jim talk to her, - or anybody, - as politely as this.
"You have been unconscious for three days", Ursula informed him. "And do you know something, Jim? They've been the nicest three days of my life. The slugs defeated our army and you were knocked out by a piano falling from a helicopter onto your head." She was expecting an angry reply, but felt she ought to be truthful from now on, and not hide her feelings.

"What, those nice little slugs? Why would they want to do a thing like that?", asked Moundrot, "I always thought they were such nice chaps, especially their leader, what's his name...Iago?"

"Ergo," Ursula corrected him. She was flabbergasted. The knock on the head had had quite an effect on Moundrot. Could he have forgotten all that had happened on Christmas Eve?

"You attacked them and destroyed their home and tried to squash them all, with First and Second Battalions, on Christmas Eve" she told him, indignantly.

"Oh, did I? What a horrible thing! Most uncivil of me. I hope nobody was hurt. Can't imagine what must've come over me, - it's quite out of character", said Moundrot. Ursula couldn't believe what she was hearing.

"Wait there!" she said, rather unnecessarily, since he was chained to the bed. She ran over to Ergo's tent, where she found Ergo and Little Else, playing the card game "Happy Families".

"Have you got...Mr Bun, the Baker?" Ergo was saying to Else.

"Nope! Haha! Have you got Miss Rice, the grocer's daughter?" Elsie asked.

"Sorry to interrupt, General", began Ursula, "But could you please come quickly? It's my husband. He's woken up and seems to be talking complete nonsense."

Ergo and Elsie went straight over to the medical tent and followed Ursula in through the door flap.

"Darling, it's General Ergo and his fiancee, Little Elsie" Ursula said to Moundrot, rather as if it was hospital visiting time and Ergo and Elsie might have some flowers and grapes.

"Well, you old scoundrel, what have you got to say for yourself?" Ergo said, sternly.
"Ah, General ...Ergo. And, er Miss Elsie. It is so kind of you to visit me. But before anything else I do believe I have an apology to make." said Moundrot.

Ergo and Elsie looked at one another with that sort of raised-eyebrow-look that says "this ought to be interesting".

"My dear wife tells me that I acted in, shall we say, an... unneighbourly fashion, and I'd like you to know that it really isn't like me at all, and I'm terribly, terribly sorry. How can I make amends?"

Ergo thought it might be a trick. He told Moundrot in no uncertain terms that he had better jolly well mean it, - and that if he was as changed as he claimed to be (not that he seemed to remember ever having been nasty in the first place) he could get the entire pigfrog army and tell them to rebuild the tree house and the barrack rooms and everything.

"And then, you had better sign a letter saying you will never try to squash anybody ever again" added Elsie, with a frown.

"Squash anybody? I would never dream of it! I would never think of doing anything like that, and if I have given that impression I very much hope you will give me a chance to show what a nice lot we pigfrogs really are" insisted Moundrot.

And in the weeks to come, he was as good as his word, and kept his promise to Ergo.

The pigfrog army had arrived back at Pigfrog Command in a very bad mood. They hadn't been very pleased about having been beaten once again by a bunch of slugs led by a fairy. Sergeant Major Pockflab had been deeply embarrassed and ashamed. He had had no knowledge of the fact that his once-feared leader was at that moment sucking up to Ergo in the most sickening fashion; that the aggression that had once formed the backbone and spirit of the pigfrog army was withering into nothing.

The remaining pigfrog commanders had issued orders for everybody to rest and recover, hoping that soon their supreme leader might somehow miraculously appear and restore their faith and courage. But as the weeks had gone by, nothing had happened. It had been on the fifth week after their ignominious defeat that Sergeant Major Pockflab had answered the phone one day at the main gate guardhouse, and to his surprise, had heard the voice of General Moundrot. It had definitely been Moundrot's voice, but somehow, it hadn't seemed to be the same person. It had been like talking to somebody who was doing an impression of Moundrot. The voice was had been the same, but somehow it hadn't felt quite right.

"Pockflab, my dear fellow", the voice had begun. Pockflab couldn't quite believe it.
"I've had a little bash on the head but I'm fine now. My wife and I will soon be leaving this charming spot to return to Pigfrog Command, but I'm afraid you chaps are going to have to come down here and build Slug HQ back up again into a lovely home and barracks for our specially nice, cuddly, clever and friendly neighbours, Ergo and Elsie and everybody". And so, unquestioningly, if a little reluctantly, the pigfrogs had obeyed. At first they had grumbled and complained to each other, but as the work progressed, they had become proud of their work, and had warmed to the task.

Having now rebuilt Slug HQ, Moundrot made a speech to the entire population of Pigfrog Command telling them they had better be nice to slugs, trolls and other creatures, and he even invited Dotty, Nige, Ergo and Elsie to dinner. Never once did he remember his days of hatred and terror. To him, and to everybody else now, he was just good old Jim Moundrot, benefactor and chief nice guy of the pigfrog nation.

************

In the years that followed, an amazing change came over the pigfrogs (even though it was less amazing than electricity, or travelling through time). Ursula insisted that every pigfrog should join the scouts, guides, brownies or cubs, - which they all did with great enthusiasm, following the example of Jim Moundrot, who asked Ursula if it would be alright if he could be excused from being pack leader in case he got back into his old ways and started ordering people about. Forty-three new scout groups had to be formed to accommodate all the recruits, and the whole venture was a great success. On Thursday evenings, Ursula, who was Akela to the 15th Pigfrog Group, would gather her scouts and cubs around her, as they all chanted "We'll Pig Dib Dib...We'll Frog Dob Dob" which meant nothing but made them feel as if they were in some sort of benevolent secret society. Each new recruit had to say the pigfrog scout or guide promise as he or she stood in front of the others, making the three-clawed salute, saying "I promise to do my best, to do my duty to Everybody Else, to keep the law of the pigfrog scout pack and to do a good turn to somebody every day. I also promise that as soon as I have done my good deed I shall not always wait until the next day before doing another one, should it become necessary or desirable".

A network of new roads were built in the mountains of Everywhere Else, in order to practise helping old ladies across them, although there weren't many old ladies and so that wasn't one of the best things that happened. In fact, Ursula politely ordered the roads to be turfed over again with grass, in order to help the environment.

General Jim was delighted and proud one Thursday evening to be awarded the Embroidery Badge. He had worked extremely hard on it, and frankly, he deserved it. Eventually he collected a further array of badges, including Housekeeper, Herb Gardener and Interior Decorator.

Which just goes to show that if you know anybody horrible, you should try dropping a grand piano onto them from a helicopter.

Next chapter is Slugs Chapter 15